A little (A lot) of my mind...

So currently I've been stuck a lot inside my mind. I've been thinking of everything, quite literally and today's been a pretty skdflskjdflksjd day and I kind of need to rant and get it all out of my head, and maybe it'll make sense ugh.
Let's start with the negatives so maybe my mood will change progressively...

[Bitching warning:] At the moment, I hate people. With a passion. I've worked every single day this week (which I'm not complaining about that) but the same nasily voices, loud and obnoxious orders and over all just rude people really starts to piss you off. I've gotten absolutely nothing accomplished this summer and the moment it's incredibly stuffy in this room which is making me even more irritable than I already am. My contacts are months (probably over a year old), dry and itchy and my glasses make me feel extremely claustrophobic. I'm becoming more and more aware that I don't like how my friends treat me and I really just don't like people anymore. But it sucks because I have the CONSTANT feeling of being lonely, but I don't want anyone close to me and it's a lose lose situation. I'm tired of being hurt, I'm tired of sometimesy people, and I'm just tired of being thrown aside. I'm tired of not being able to do shit by myself. I can't go anywhere without someone, I can't do anything on my own and someone is in my face all the time. Overall I'm just tired of feeling like I'm being taken advantage of. I want school to start so I feel like I'm actually getting somewhere and I can actually play and practice, and even though my passionate hate for people right now, meet new people because I'm sick of the drama skanks and the same everything (even though, yeah they'll probably be there too), it's new. I'm just... ughh... step one, opening the freaking window because there MIGHT be a breeze even though it's muggy outside too.

With that being said... I don't remember much of anything anymore. I can't tell you what happened today other than I worked and I hate people. I can't tell you what happened yesterday (quite honestly) or really much of anything this summer. I haven't been able to remember words. I can't recall anything I've read really, and it's really frustrating. No, before you say something, I don't need to go to the doctor, and yes, I know you asked that sarcastically. I'm just fucking fed up with everything, especially my mind. It just won't stop and I want it to. I'm tired of being stuck in it, I'm tired of being depressed, I'm tired of not remembering, I'm tired of not being ablekerlskjdflskja just ugh.

The solution is not spending more time with people, omfg. I appreciate that people care, and don't get me wrong, I want to spend time with you, but it's making it worse. Bluntly, it irritates me more. I miss having a best friend that I felt like I could actually talk to and not feel like I have to put up some wall. I miss having a friend that actually even pretended to care what I have to say or didn't toss me aside. I miss having a friend that isn't sometimesy. I'm tired of finally being able to feel like I can trust someone and then being proven otherwise immediately after. I don't get along with girls most the time because they're like that, but generally if I get close to any guy they start hitting on me or something and it makes me not feel comfortable or trusting of them anymore. But most of all I'm tired of being surrounded and suffocated by the people I feel there's a wall up to or something and I just want to be alone. I want to walk by myself, but I can't, or go to a quiet place by myself for awhile, but I can't...

I just want to feel like I'm living, because not being able to remember anything that's happening and always feeling stuck in my head starts to eat you away. I don't feel like a person, I feel quite disconnected from my body and everything going on around me actually. I feel and can almost see myself as a person in my head just watching. I just want out...