Friend of a friend

So in analyzing my life, I want to start with foundations. Friendships are huge foundations for people and a huge support group next to families, so I'm going to blog about friends.

I have an eclectic group of friends. Some know eachother, some don't, some ask why the others. Some are into music, some into sports, some are going military, some do drugs, others are hardcore church goers, some are striving for excellence always, some are content with where they are. Regardless, friendship means a lot to me no matter where it's coming from and I have some of the best friends in the world.

In the past years I've lost, or grown further apart more rather, from a lot of people. Most of the people I knew in fact and it was for nearly 3 years. Just recently am I realizing the friendships that are still there, after years, we can pick up where we were. Surely, as you can imagine, not all of them lasted. But friendships with people in Colorado lets say. I hadn't seen them in about 5, nearly 6 years. When we talk it's like there'd been no time or distance. We all laugh just as we used to, can talk about anything and everything forever and I know I've got a good foundation of friends there.

People here that I've just drifted from, doors are opening back and we're just as tight as we were. We all weeded out dramaqueens and it's amazing :3 Ive made new friends, and more to come as I've noticed...

What's really striking me lately though is friendships that weren't ever really strong before that are now. I have a group, not all together, but a few friends that were more common acquaintances. I knew them, we'd talked a bit, but we were never tight. And lately I've found those few to be the ones that have my back at any given moment. Like, it's almost insane (in a good way).

I'm just really starting to be thankful for everything. It's kind of that point where you look back and are like "that really was just pure shit to go through" but then looking around it was worth it. A quote from a song by Stars that I'm really clicking with lately is "I'm not sorry I met you, I'm not sorry it's over." I'm not sorry I've met the people that are gone. I wouldn't be where I am or who I am today without them, but I'm more than ecstatic that they're now out of my life (And no that's not completely directed at just Andrew before you make an assumption).

I'm thankful though, and I love the friends, the true friends, I have. You guys amaze me <3

Something to believe in

This is going to be very vague and pretty much to the point because I'm not trying to start a conversation, argument or wanting to hear comments either really...

I know exactly what I believe in, and no it may not be the traditional way of thinking and you might call it sacrilegious because it's not hardcore to one way, and it's my own personal journey and this is where I am... in a lot of things...

I believe in one God, the Christian God. I would like to believe that Jesus did die on the cross, the Jew's say otherwise, but I would like to believe so all the same. I believe in Heaven and Hell, I also believe in reincarnation and "nirvana" (nirvana being heaven). I believe everything on this planet that is not man made has a spirit and couldn't fathom why it wouldn't. I believe in evolution and know for a fact it occurs. I believe there may have been a big bang that started our life, but I believe it had a purpose before from God. I believe there is much life in the universe, I'm almost certain there's actually other humans light years away.

I believe in preserving history, cultures, languages, customs, trades and even religions. I believe in progressing as humans for the simple fact that it's natural for everything to progress, with purpose or not. I believe to progress safely we need to reflect before stepping blindly and I know we don't do that. I believe for that we, ourselves, will be our own downfall. I don't believe the world will end in 2012, but I know something massive will happen in our time.

I believe in equal rights between sexes and same sexes. I stand pro-choice on the abortion issue, although for myself I'm morally against it. I believe politics in the US have gotten outrageous, too much attention for growing egos and power and it's about time we simplify.

I believe in the arts passionately. It's one of the few things that has remained through the test of time, and it remains pure to itself. I believe they tap into realms of understanding that we don't even know. I believe they give people something and everything when they have nothing.

I believe in taking every life I may have and actually trying to do something. I believe in not understanding everything but teaching all I know. I believe in "the school of hard knocks" and also believe it's a bitch, but necessary.

I believe this blog is done...

A little (A lot) of my mind...

So currently I've been stuck a lot inside my mind. I've been thinking of everything, quite literally and today's been a pretty skdflskjdflksjd day and I kind of need to rant and get it all out of my head, and maybe it'll make sense ugh.
Let's start with the negatives so maybe my mood will change progressively...

[Bitching warning:] At the moment, I hate people. With a passion. I've worked every single day this week (which I'm not complaining about that) but the same nasily voices, loud and obnoxious orders and over all just rude people really starts to piss you off. I've gotten absolutely nothing accomplished this summer and the moment it's incredibly stuffy in this room which is making me even more irritable than I already am. My contacts are months (probably over a year old), dry and itchy and my glasses make me feel extremely claustrophobic. I'm becoming more and more aware that I don't like how my friends treat me and I really just don't like people anymore. But it sucks because I have the CONSTANT feeling of being lonely, but I don't want anyone close to me and it's a lose lose situation. I'm tired of being hurt, I'm tired of sometimesy people, and I'm just tired of being thrown aside. I'm tired of not being able to do shit by myself. I can't go anywhere without someone, I can't do anything on my own and someone is in my face all the time. Overall I'm just tired of feeling like I'm being taken advantage of. I want school to start so I feel like I'm actually getting somewhere and I can actually play and practice, and even though my passionate hate for people right now, meet new people because I'm sick of the drama skanks and the same everything (even though, yeah they'll probably be there too), it's new. I'm just... ughh... step one, opening the freaking window because there MIGHT be a breeze even though it's muggy outside too.

With that being said... I don't remember much of anything anymore. I can't tell you what happened today other than I worked and I hate people. I can't tell you what happened yesterday (quite honestly) or really much of anything this summer. I haven't been able to remember words. I can't recall anything I've read really, and it's really frustrating. No, before you say something, I don't need to go to the doctor, and yes, I know you asked that sarcastically. I'm just fucking fed up with everything, especially my mind. It just won't stop and I want it to. I'm tired of being stuck in it, I'm tired of being depressed, I'm tired of not remembering, I'm tired of not being ablekerlskjdflskja just ugh.

The solution is not spending more time with people, omfg. I appreciate that people care, and don't get me wrong, I want to spend time with you, but it's making it worse. Bluntly, it irritates me more. I miss having a best friend that I felt like I could actually talk to and not feel like I have to put up some wall. I miss having a friend that actually even pretended to care what I have to say or didn't toss me aside. I miss having a friend that isn't sometimesy. I'm tired of finally being able to feel like I can trust someone and then being proven otherwise immediately after. I don't get along with girls most the time because they're like that, but generally if I get close to any guy they start hitting on me or something and it makes me not feel comfortable or trusting of them anymore. But most of all I'm tired of being surrounded and suffocated by the people I feel there's a wall up to or something and I just want to be alone. I want to walk by myself, but I can't, or go to a quiet place by myself for awhile, but I can't...

I just want to feel like I'm living, because not being able to remember anything that's happening and always feeling stuck in my head starts to eat you away. I don't feel like a person, I feel quite disconnected from my body and everything going on around me actually. I feel and can almost see myself as a person in my head just watching. I just want out...

It's July.

...And I haven't written anything since March, and I really don't have any ideas at the moment for a topic to write on, so I suppose it's about time for an update at least.

So March, April, May and now June have past. As you can imagine a lot has actually happened. Taylor has a life? What?! ... sort of... most days. So lets start from the furthest date to the now :3

I'd like to say I'm officially alumni at my high school. Yes, I did graduate. But Taylor, that's really not that big of an accomplishment, most people graduate high school... well naggy, pessimistic self, it was an accomplishment for the time I had to graduate in and a bunch of other stuff going on. I'd also like to say I'm doing a lot better. I don't want to sound so cold and heartless to say "I'm over Andrew," but honestly it doesn't bug me anymore. There's still a few random seconds of nostalgia, but I've accepted a lot and I'm just doing a lot better. True Story. I was the recipient of a scholarship I've been working towards :3 It's an education scholarship that goes through the band, so I'm uber proud of that. 

As for this summer, I've been working. A lot. I did manage to take a trip back home to CO for a week though... and my mind's shutting off at this point, nooooo D:> Ugh, I'll wrap this up with the few statements of:

Let's just say I have a lot of plans brewing in the back of my head

I'm not myself still but I'm getting there slowly

and how freaking stoked I am for school to start (what?!?!) yes :]

2012

So I wrote this for an extra credit assignment in Spanish recently, and now I'm really thinking. Read it and tell me your opinions. (Don't fix anything, it's drafted and really rough, I know this) - Don't take it worth a grain of sand, just my babblings. I'm also one who thinks God killed off the Mayans for figuring out something they weren't suppose to. God is a Boss. lol.

2012

With recent popular belief that the world will end in 2012, more and more people create their own predictions of what may happen. Facts are scarce, but what we do know is the idea originated from the Mayan calendar that mysteriously ends on December 21, 2012.

In the movie 2012, the end of the world is depicted as it was in Biblical stories and destroyed by "a great flood." However, in the Bible, God promises after the flood that he will never again destroy the world by water. Also with the movie, came the idea that this all begins with earthquakes, which according to research on earthquake frequencies in the past few decades, is so real it is scary. There has been an almost constant incline of earthquakes every year, more frequently 6.0 and higher magnitude on the Richter scale.

In my opinion, I'm not sure the Mayan's calendar had anything to do with the end of the world. Granted, they were known for being mathematicians, but their civilization collapsed and they had to stop somewhere; Besides, according to picking up a cell phone and going to the end of the calendar on that idea means the world would in in 2100. It means nothing more than that's where it ended. I honestly think it is mere coincidence that recent events have happened and that people will grab onto whatever they can for answers. Although, with that being said, I do believe a "second coming" may not be so far off. The irony and coincidence is too much to ignore and is slowly making me more of a believer every day. 

My prediction however would be: If things were to advance as they did in the movie, or more realistically as they are now, I don't doubt something will knock the world off-kilter. I believe the next, and possible final destruction of the world will be a firey one in that we will orbit right into the sun. If I were to tie this all together, the Mayans based everything they did around the sun, so maybe they did know something we don't know yet. For instance, maybe it did end because there's suppose to be an eclipse of the sun that year where all the planets are suppose line up. That may affect the gravitational pulls of all the plants and actually may end up destroying our galaxy. Maybe nothing happens, I'm not sure, I don't know much about physics. One thing is for sure though. As I write this, there are 998 days left until December 21, 2012 and slowly, but surely, previous predictions both religiously and scientifically are lining up.

Honestly, I don't know what is in store for the world, and I'm still skeptical when it comes to the mainstream outlook on the Mayan calendar, but I do believe that something we will not be prepared for will happen within our lifetimes.

Chibi is ____ dead.

"In Celtic tradition the Swan is associated with deities of healing waters and the sun. They are associated with music, love, purity and the soul. They are shape-shifters, can take human form, and have mastered the elements of water, earth and air. They can always be recognized by the gold or silver chain that hangs around their neck.

Among Druids, the Swan represents the soul, and is associated with the Festival of Samhain"

- (http://druidry.org/obod/lore/animal/swan.html)

*Also believed to be able to summon the 4 winds

A few months ago in Lit we read "The Dead" and had an extensive discussion on how all the characters were "dead." Lately I've been thinking about it more and more, and where I'm alive and healthy, I too am dead.

A swan, the very representation of the soul, jack of all trades, if you will, and the beauty associated with innocence; All am I but innocent, instead just naive... A swan song is "A final gesture or performance, given before dying." With that in mind, and I know this is really jumpy and may or may not make any sense seeing as I'm typing without drafting.., but let me explain...

I'm a person who's driven by their emotions. Someone who is very connected with my "soul" and more rather disconnected with my "logic." I'm a hopeless romantic, I believe in love and happy endings. I believe in fairy tales and tend to live in day dreams. It's not that I've had a bad life, it's not that I totally want to escape from the world because of something like that, simply put, it's just how I am. With that comes a lot of denial and a lot of optimism however... I'm not sure if that will even have to come to play in with anything but I suppose I should say it still...

Basically, My soul is dead. Taylor is emotionally and realistically dead, is how you'd say it I suppose... Sure, I can feel. I know I feel, too much probably, but I'm in retreat. I've locked myself in my head, in a coffin to be protected. Lately I've let myself come out and try to be reborn, and I'm met with confusion in all directions. Right now, I'm the most confused I have ever been in my life. I'm not sure who to trust, who I can open myself up to, if I can trust myself, what's going on in general... with anything in my life. I'm so far hidden I can't focus, all I want to do is hide in a fantasy. I'm not in touch with reality hardly at all, and my body is just... mentally, emotionally and physically shot.

The swan is also a symbol for the Festival of Samhain, the celtic new year, or more known as "end of summer". In that, being a swan, I'm hoping I can pull out of this soon. A new year is a new start. At the end of summer, everything dies, and then comes life. A swan, maybe like the phoenix, is reborn and more beautiful than ever with every death... So maybe Andrew won't show up at my door one day and kiss me saying everything was a mistake... but one thing's for sure, I love him and I feel that more painfully and blissfully than ever and he's noticing the spark again... Maybe my grades won't be the greatest, but I will graduate still, #88 in my class with a 3.5, but I will have that chance... Maybe I don't get money for my scholarship audition coming up again, but maybe I'll gain experience and ideas to grasp onto... Maybe, just maybe, my soul can live again...

http://www.realmagick.com/articles/11/1811.html

http://www.imbas.org/articles/samhain.html

Andrew Carlton Edwin Petty

"I will never let you fall, I'll stand up with you forever"

Dear Andrew,

You are so precious to me, you seriously wouldn't even have a clue. You ask me why I think you're worth anything or why I'm determined to keep you, and in short it's because I do love you. I know that makes you uncomfortable right now to hear, but short and to the point, I love you. To me that includes pushing through the hard times beside you, even when you're against me. We don't know what's wrong, whether it's something with us (though I really dont think it is) or if you're scared secretly or whatever this is, we don't know yet, and together I plan on finding out with you and helping fix it. 

Now why I don't just give up when I get stung is driven by how much you mean to me. Maybe it's your dashing good looks and charming smile. lol. Maybe it's the fact that you treat me better than any friend or boyfriend I've ever had. Maybe it's because you make me feel safe. Maybe it's because I know the extent to how remarkable you really are. Maybe it's because we've already been through a lot and I know we can get through this. Maybe it's because I can't see my life without you, and I honestly don't want to. Maybe it's because we click, perfectly when I'm not being spoiled. Maybe it's because you're my hero. Maybe it's because of a lot of things... but I know this is fixable and we'll solve it together. I'm pushing to see you smile again, that's all I want. I want your eyes to brighten up again and you be your nerdy dorky self again. But it's not going to be easy and we'll probably both break down a few times, but we'll grow and maybe whatever it is will be gone for good.

I know you're confused on if you love me or not right now, but I really think you still do. You're still my best friend and I love you. I would be willing to go through this 10 fold for you. So basically to answer your question, I don't have A specific answer. There's not one reason, it's everything about you and it's how I feel towards you. 

Andrew Petty, you're absolutely amazing and by the time I hit the grave I will get this through your thick skull lol. Don't be scared of hurting me, I already know you are, but I'm telling you it's time to start pushing through this instead of hiding behind it. Through pain or happiness, or whatever else comes, I'll be here and I will help you. Because regardless of what you think, you really are worth it all to me, I just wish I could do more...